You Were Lucky #1 Skit (The Liars)

Materials:
none

Characters:
2 guys

Directions:
I: Imagine us, sitting in the fanciest pub in England, drinking our Chateau de Chauclea wine.
II: Right you are, 30 years ago we would have been lucky to have had a cup of tea.
I: Cold tea.
II: Yes, without sugar or milk.
I: Or tea.
II: In a cracked and filthy cup.
I: We used to be so poor that we would drink tea out of a rolled-up newspaper.
II: You were lucky to have a newspaper, we used to have to suck our tea out of a damp cloth.
I: We were poor but we were happy.
II: We were happy because we were poor.
I: Right you are, my daddy said that dollars would never buy happiness.
II: That’s because he never had any money, the bloody beggar.
I: When I was young we used to live in a house with big holes in the roof.
II: You had a house? You were lucky! We used to live in a bottle cap, 23 of us in the middle of the ocean.
I: Well, I say it was a house, actually it was a room — all 36 of us, and we had only half a floor. We had a big hole in the middle of the floor and we used to huddle next to the wall for fear we would fall in.
II: You were lucky! We used to live in a hallway.
I: Well, you were lucky! We used to live in an abandoned septic tank in the middle of the garbage dump.
II: You lived in a septic tank? You were lucky! We lived in a paper sack in the bottom of a toxic waste dump. Every morning we would awaken to nuclear waste being dumped on us until we glowed.
I: Actually, the house I was telling you about was no more than a hole in the ground, covered with twigs.
II: Well, you were lucky! We were evicted from our hole. We had to live in the bottom of the lake.
I: You were lucky to live in the bottom of a lake. There was 150 of us living in a shoe box in the middle of a road. We dreamed of living in a lake.
II: You were lucky to live in a shoe box. We lived in a brown paper bag. All 300 of us! Got up at 6 AM, ate a crust of stale bread, and worked in the mills for 12 hours. When we got home Dad would beat us and put us to bed with no dinner.
I: Well you were lucky! We used to get up at 3 a.m., strain the lake clean with our teeth, eat a cup of hot grave, work 15 hours at the mill and when we got home our Dad would beat us about the head and shoulders with a broken beer bottle and use us for kitty litter.
II: We dreamed of that! We used to live in a rusty tin can in the middle of the road. One hour after sunset we would clean the road with our tongues, eat a handful of cold gravel and work 20 hours at the mill with no pay! When we got home our Dad would cut us up with a dull gensu knife and use us for cheese fondue.
I: Well, you were lucky! That was luxury. We used to get up in the morning at 10 at night — which was half an hour before we went to bed - eat a hunk of dry poison — work 29 hours a day at the mill and when we got home or parents would kill us and dance around our grave singing "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah".
II: But you tell that to the kids today and they simply don’t believe you.

Future Banana Skit

Materials:
strobe light, 2001: A Space Odyssey theme song, banana

Characters:
eater

Directions:
This short skit requires no words. A guy walks out on stage, sits on a chair in the middle of the stage and takes out a banana. Meanwhile, the music from the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey is playing in the background and the lights are off with the strobe light on. The guy peels the banana and eats it to the music. If done properly, with appropriate facial expressions, the results are hilarious.

Monk Monotony Skit

Materials:
large sign which reads "ten years later"

Characters:
Main Monk, Monk Monotony, sign carrier

Directions:
Main Monk: So Monk Monotony, you have just taken a vow of silence? (Monk Monotony nods his head "yes") Do you know what this vow of silence means? (Monk Monotony shakes his head yes) That’s right, you cannot say anything but two words for the next ten years. You may go now.

(Monk Monotony exits. After 20 seconds in which the Main Monk does nothing, the sign carrier enters slowly from right and exits slowly to the left, carrying the sign which reads "Ten years Later" Monk Monotony enters.)

Main Monk: Yes, Monk Monotony your first ten years are up, and you may say your two words.
Monk Monotony: Hard bed.
Main Monk: You many go now.

(Monk Monotony exits. After abut 20 seconds in which the Main Monk does nothing, the sign carrier enters slowly from the right and exits slowly to the left, carrying the sign which reads "Ten Years Later" Monk Monotony enters.)
Main Monk: Yes, Monk Monotony your second ten years are up, and you may now say your two words.
Monk Monotony: Bad food.
Main Monk: You may go now.

(Monk Monotony exits. After abut 20 seconds in which the Main Monk does nothing, the sign carrier enters slowly from the right and exits slowly to the left, carrying the sign which reads "Ten Years Later" Monk Monotony enters.)

Main Monk: Yes, Monk Monotony your third ten years are up, and you may now say your two words.
Monk Monotony: I quit (he begins to exit immediately)
Main Monk: Well, I am not surprised. You've been complaining ever since you got here.

The Mona Lisa Skit

Materials:
long black wig, black robe, black shawl, picture frame out of old boards, water pistol, banana, cream pie

Characters:
Mona Lisa, singer

Directions:
Have someone memorize the words to the old Nat King Cole favorite "Mona Lisa." Then dress someone up as the Mona Lisa herself in a long, black wig, black robe and black shawl. Build a picture frame out of some old boards and have the "Mona" sit behind it. Drape the bottom of the picture frame to the floor so that the audience cannot see the Mona Lisa’s feet.

He is going to sing a very serious song for them. As the song begins, the curtain opens to reveal the Mona Lisa. The singer turns to see the Mona Lisa and begins to sing to the picture. During the song, however, the Mona Lisa comes out of character; she picks her nose, sneezes, cleans out her ear, shoots water pistols at the singer, blows a kiss to the singer, eats a banana, and does any other things that you might think of. All of this should be done every time the singer turns away from the Mona Lisa to face the audience. The skit ends with the singer getting a whipped cream pie in the face, at which point the singer jumps through the picture frame and chases the Mona Lisa.

The Pencil Salesman Skit

Materials:
pencil

Characters:
sales manager, dumb salesman, customer

Directions:
Manager: Now I want you to pay close attention to me so you can become a great salesman.
Salesman: Duh, okay.
Manager: First you hold your pencils in you hand and say, "Pencils for sale." Practice saying that.
Salesman: Pencils for sale, pencils for sale, etc.
Manager: Okay, that’s enough. Next, the first question people will ask you is "How much are they?" and you will say "Ten cents. Three for a quarter."
Salesman: "Ten cents. Three for a quarter."
Manager: Right. They will ask you, "What color are they?" and you will tell them, "Yellow."
Salesman: "Yellow, yellow"
Manager: Good. Then the person will buy one or else he will say, "No, I don’t want to buy one" and you will say, "If you don’t, somebody else will."
Salesman: If you don’t somebody else will.
Manager: Very good. Now, let’s practice it once and then you are on your own. (They go through the questions and answers).

Now the salesman is alone on the street corner calling out "Pencils for sale." The first customer enters in a hurry, the salesman doesn’t notice him, turns around, hits the customer and knocks him to the ground. He gets up, begins to dust off angrily.

Customer: (outraged) Do you know how much this suit cost me?
Salesman: Ten cents, three for a quarter.
Customer: (furious now) What’s the matter with you? What do you think I am?
Salesman: Yellow.
Customer: Say, would you like me to punch you in the nose?
Salesman: If you don’t somebody else will.

Customer begins to beat the salesman up and both run off stage.

Reggie and the Colonel Skit

Materials:
high socks, safari hat, glasses, mustache, gun, small knapsack, cane

Characters:
Reggie, Bermudas, Colonel

Directions:
Reggie is big and dumb. Bermudas wears high socks, safari hat, glasses, down on nose, mustache, carries gun in front of him. Colonel is short, limp, no gun, just small knapsack, has cane. They are walking in place through darkest Africa, speaking with pronounced English accent.

Colonel: (excited, jumping and pointing with cane) Reggie, look… Did you see it, Reggie?
Reggie: See what? No, no, where, where?
Colonel: Oh, Reggie, it was a beautiful condor, 8 foot wing span, beautiful colors.
Reggie: No. I didn’t see it.
Colonel: Wish you’d pay closer attention. (They continue walking.)
Colonel: Did you see it, Reggie?
Reggie: No, what?
Colonel: A spotted zebra… wish you’d pay closer attention.
Colonel: (later) Did you see it, Reggie? Did you see it?
Reggie: No, I missed it… what was it?
Colonel: An ooh-aah bird.
Reggie: An ooh-aah bird. What’s an ooh-aah bird?
Colonel: An ooh-aah bird is a 2 pound bird that lays a 3 pound egg, like this: oooooooooh aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (face lights up; continue walking).
Reggie: (whispers to audience) next time I’ll say yes-pretend like I saw it. I’ll fool him.
Colonel: Reggie, Reggie, did you see it? (Excited)
Reggie: I saw it, I saw it!
Colonel: Then why in heaven’s name did you step in it?!

Sex (Mud) Skit

Materials:
notebook, paper, pen, psychologist costume

Characters:
patient, psychologist

Directions:
Patient and psychologist sit in chairs in front of the club. As the scene opens the doctor holds up a circle (drawn on paper) where everyone can see it and asks the patient what it reminds him of.

He goes wild screaming, "Sex, sex, sex" (or "mud, mud, mud"). Next the doctor holds up a triangle, and asks the patient what it reminds him of. The patient goes wild again screaming sex (mud). The doctor then holds up a square and again in the patient goes wild.

The doctor says, "I know what your problem is. You've got a dirty mind." The patient says, "Me? You’re the one with all the dirty pictures!"

Elevated Gum Skit

Materials:
Sun glasses, briefcase, T-shirt, gum, letter jacket

Characters:
straight man, greaser, jock

Directions:
Straight man enters chewing gum, carrying briefcase. Walks up to elevator, pushes button, goes in. Chews gum like it’s losing its flavor, decides to stick it to the wall... door opens... he leaves.
Greaser enters, pushes button, enters elevator. He leans on the wall and his hand sticks to the gum. He pulls his hand off the wall (which is hard to do). Greaser looks at the gum, stretches it out some, picks his nose, gets grease off his hair, sneezes, cleans his ears (all this gets on the gum). He chews it a while, door opens he throws the gum on the back of the elevator and then he leaves.

Jock enters, dumb, spacey, letter jacket on (typical jock). He enters the elevator, leans on the wall (back wall) and the gum gets stuck:

1. Head and elevator
2. Hand and head
3. Both hands
4. Foot and both hands
5. Both feet and both hands
6. Hands
7. Knees
8. Hand to face
   

The jock finally gets free, sticks the gum on the elevator wall where it originally was. Straight man enters, sees the gum, and decides to chew it again and then leaves.